Socially Anxious Introvert

Anxiety is an emotion characterized by an unpleasant state of inner turmoil, often accompanied by nervous behavior, such as pacing back and forth, somatic complaints and rumination. It is the subjectively unpleasant feelings of dread over anticipated events, such as the feeling of imminent death.

Anxiety... It sucks. Let me just say I am in no way a mental health expert, this is just my experience with my issues. Being someone with anxiety I often cancel on everything & everyone, if it involves having to leave my house to do a group activity I generally will find a way to bow out. It's nothing against anyone at all, it's seriously me. Most everyone who asks me to do something whether that be my sisters, friends, coworkers are all great people. I want to be asked to do stuff, sometimes crave it but when it comes right down to it I get extreme social anxiety. Even if it's something as silly as going to the mall or grabbing lunch. I developed this when I was in middle school and it only got worse as I entered high school. Freshman year was hell for me - like it is for anyone I'm sure but not knowing what this feeling was or being able to explain what was happening was torture. I started missing and failing a lot of classes at school & had to see the guidance counselor who would later tell me she thought I suffered from anxiety. Eventually I saw a doctor who put me on medication that helped - I was able to leave the house and go to school or occasionally out. And then like many do we feel better and don't think we need to swallow a pill everyday. So I stopped the medication. I've done this several times over the years - I don't know why I keep thinking maybe this is something I'll outgrow. But I've come to the realization it's not. I will always obsessively and constantly worry about things that aren't even happening. Enter depression here... Again something I've battled and struggled with since I was about 9 & suddenly lost my dad to suicide. I'm sure a lot of my constant worrying comes from losing him so young. I started to stay up extremely late, not being able to sleep because my mind would not shut off. I ended up causing myself a lot of hassle and grief.

A lot of people are surprised to hear I have these issues. I get a ton of "I never would have guessed" or "you don't seem like someone who has anxiety" and that's because for a long time I was ashamed of it, embarrassed even. I don't go around acting like a basket case - Age has helped me to realize that it's ok for people to know. Instead of suffering in silence and getting 20 questions as to what's wrong for those who know they have a bit of insight into why I'm feeling the way I am. Nervous people live in either the past or the future. When we are in lowered tones, we live in the past, rehashing what was, what could have been. When we are in fearful temper, we agonize over the future, over what may transpire.

As cheesy as it is I am a big believer in using positive affirmations to reprogram your negative thoughts. There are different kinds of negative self-talk. The Worrier often promotes "what if..." thoughts and promotes anxiety. My biggest what if thought is always, "What if I get sick and throw up?" or "what if I start to get a migraine?" The other kinds of sub personalities are the Perfectionist ("I should, or I have to" thoughts) which promotes chronic stress and burnout, the victim ("I can't. I'll never be able to) promotes depression, and the Critic ("Can't you ever get it right?") which promotes low self esteem.

I also consider myself an introvert. 
An introvert is a person who draws energy from time spent alone. Introverts find social situations draining and need time alone to recharge after being around people. They tend to be introspective and like to explore thoughts and feelings. They may prefer to talk about concepts and ideas rather than making small talk. Introverts usually like to work behind the scenes, prefer written to verbal communication and express themselves only after careful thought.  The resulting crowd, which is often loud, noisy and congested, easily overstimulates introverts and drains them of their physical energy. They end up feeling more physically isolated than supported by their surroundings, and would rather be anywhere but that sea of people. Small talk stresses them out, while deeper conversations make them feel alive. A lot of my anxiety stems from me worrying about worrying and how that will effect what others think of me. I have to remind myself that it doesn't matter if people think I am weird because I get panic attacks. It only matters what I think of me and I have to remind myself that I love and respect myself the way I am even with my anxiety no matter what anyone else thinks. So here's to trying to get out there a little more in 2015!

Bombshell Mascara by Covergirl

Hello there ladies! I am super excited to write a review about this product! Let me just start out by saying I love makeup & once upon a time I thought it was something I wanted to do with my life but living in good ole Evansville, IN I knew it wasn't an ideal career choice for me. I've tried countless mascaras some good and some very bad but when I saw a review on this product on Youtube I knew the next time I was at the store I wanted to pick this up and try it for myself. First of all you should watch Kandee Johnson's first impressions video for this & then tell me you're not convinced {link below!} I like that it doesn't leave my lashes clumpy and short. It actually makes them look long and thick. I will say a couple of things I don't like about this mascara is the packaging, the wand is huge and not ideal for sticking in your to go makeup bag & it's a bit difficult to get off but then isn't that what we look for, products that last and don't wear off? So with that said I do spend an extra couple of minutes on  my makeup removing routine getting this mascara off. But I can get past that for the price of $9!

This is the only pic I got after I applied this mascara, I should have gotten another closer up of my eyes but oh well. I can tell a difference in length!

Click here to watch Kandee Johnson's First Impression Video

The Fault In Our Stars By John Green

Summary: Despite the tumor-shrinking medical miracle that has bought her a few years, Hazel has never been anything but terminal, her final chapter inscribed upon diagnosis. But when a gorgeous plot twist named Augustus Waters suddenly appears at Cancer Kid Support Group, Hazel's story is about to be completely rewritten.

Rating: ***** (5 Stars)
Review: So here I lay, after reading this book with swollen eyes, a runny nose, a wet puffy face and a whole lot of heart ache and a head ache too. For the past year I've seen this book everywhere. It was the first book cover I would see walking into Barnes & Noble, I often saw people reading it in Starbucks when I would stop in to get my green tea frap, & it was Goodreads Choice Winner for 2012. Let me just say the entire book is wonderful.  I loved John Green's wit. I gave his characters a little leeway on the maturity scale, but still I didn't believe they could be this articulate. But I loved Green's writing so much, I didn't mind. Without the wit and endearing characters, this would be nothing but a book about cancer. Green's characters feel real and quirky and I fell for them and felt for them. I cried for them. In unexpected ways, like Hazel's parents waiting for the loss they know is coming and Hazel trying not to be a grenade in their lives. And the complications of facing your own mortality and therefore being wise beyond your years but still having to live like a teenager with all its restrictions. Then there's watching your friends die off and dealing with the shallowness of people who weren't there through the tough times. I made the mistake of thinking I could read this book at work, I actually had to make myself stop reading because I had tears coming down my face at my desk! So if you don't want others to think you are having some kind of breakdown save it for the comfort of your own home where you can ugly cry all you want!

The Fault In Our Stars is an insightful and moving novel that will not just leave you with a inspiring story to remember, but also with a more optimistic understanding of life. I think the movie to this book comes out in June & after seeing Divergent this past weekend I'm really looking forward to seeing it. Shailene Woodley knocked Divergent out of the park for me & the trailer for The Fault In Our Stars also looked impressive. I'll be sure to bring along a box of Kleenex to go with my popcorn.

Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris

Summary: Sookie Stackhouse is a small-time cocktail waitress in small-town Louisiana. She's quiet, keeps to herself, and doesn't get out much. Not because she's not pretty. She is. It's just that, well, Sookie has this sort of "disability." She can read minds. And that doesn't make her too dateable. And then along comes Bill. He's tall, dark, handsome--and Sookie can't hear a word he's thinking. He's exactly the type of guy she's been waiting for all her life....
But Bill has a disability of his own: He's a vampire with a bad reputation. He hangs with a seriously creepy crowd, all suspected of--big surprise--murder. And when one of Sookie's coworkers is killed, she fears she's next....

Rating: ***** (5 Stars)
Review: So I read this book back in 2009 right after I had started the Twilight series & I'm pretty sure the only reason I picked it up was because it was about vampires and I was coming down off my Twi high (haha Twi high..!) But the fact that it's about vampires is where the comparison to Twilight ends. After the first couple of chapters I fell in love with it instantly. Can I also just say that the art work on the covers in this series are awesome?! The southern gothic writing is absolutely phenomenal!! I have pushed this book series on all of my friends & they have loved not only the book but the series on HBO as well.  I enjoyed the aspect of two "unusual" people getting together and falling in love, which was strange especially for a vampire who supposedly has no emotions. I wouldn't even characterize this series as a guilty pleasure. It's well-written, with a lot of humor, & a sense of place. And I appreciate that it is aimed towards grown-ups. These vampires & other beings are not in high school; they are complex adults with real (& rated-R) lives to boot. Although my husband has not read the series he does watch the show & really enjoys it. He often asks me how the book compares & then we have a discussion on the differences. I have read 12 out of the 13 books in this series & the only reason I haven't read the last one is because I'm in denial that it's the final book & ending. So if you can commit to a long series then this is for you!

Posted Up - Literally

So this past weekend I decided I would get a head start on spring cleaning. I know spring is a few weeks away yet but it was so lovely out this weekend & I had the motivation! My thought is if I got a lot of cleaning out of the way now that when spring finally does decide to come I can be outside enjoying the beautiful weather & redoing a few pieces of furniture instead of cleaning. The only problem with that is after doing so much around the house I kind of maybe threw my back out? Which I'm not even sure that's what I've done since it's more of my upper back/neck that's hurting. So I am laid up in bed today with a heating pad trying to take it easy & not move much. Which let me just add is so incredibly difficult for someone like me who doesn't like to sit still or waste a day in bed: all I can think about is how much I could be getting done at work & home. But at least I've got a pretty view & good tv! "You've bewitched me body & soul & I love, I love, I love you." -Mr. Darcy {Pride & Prejudice} sigh...

I have finally found new bedside table lamps & accent pieces for the walls, I just need to make time to go & get them. I also need to add hang up the curtain rods to my honey do list {which is basically the house fixer upper things list for my hubs to do}

And just because I adore this so very much I thought I'd show you this beautiful vase I found at Gordmans - I'm switching up a lot of things in my home and I love this rustic look that I'd like to transform my dining room into! Think rustic farmhouse with white ceramic accent pieces!

 

 

Wordless Wednesday

As I sit here listening to the Indie Station on Pandora I can't help but feel happy. It's my day off work (a nice break in the middle of a hectic week) & I have my marshmallow fireside candle lit (a Christmas gift from my little sister), wrapped up in a soft blanket chillin on my couch doing book reviews. It's such a simple day & the sun is shining (don't let that fool you it's 30* outside but I'll take that any day over the single digit temps we've had for weeks.) I always like to look for the positive in every thing. It's so easy to focus on the negative & complain or point out bad things but if you just take a step back and breathe, count your blessings you'll find a reason to smile even if it's just for the simplest things. That pic above is my very own bookshelf, yes it's jam packed and double rowed of books. I have a little bit of an issue letting go of books & if I could have it my way my bedroom walls would be lined with bookshelves. Ever need to borrow a book, just ask ;)

Speaking of bedrooms; these are a few of my favorite things in mine. As you can gather I'm a bit obsessed with candles from Bath & Body. They can be a tad pricey but I will always catch them on sale or have a coupon because let's face it paying $20 for one candle is mad! But they are my favorite, they are powerful & will make my whole house smell amazing. My absolute favorite is Fireside & Mahogany Teakwood but I also love the Flannel & Paris one as well.

 

This is from this past weekend: we went to an Icemen hockey game on behalf of my work event & celebrated my husbands birthday!

On a little more of a serious note prayers are needed for my sister Samantha who lost her grandfather last night. Heaven gained an angel & just know that you are loved by many!

Hate List By Jennifer Brown

Summary: Five months ago, Valerie Leftman's boyfriend, Nick, opened fire on their school cafeteria. Shot trying to stop him, Valerie inadvertently saved the life of a classmate, but was implicated in the shootings because of the list she helped create. A list of people and things she and Nick hated. The list he used to pick his targets.
Now, after a summer of seclusion, Val is forced to confront her guilt as she returns to school to complete her senior year. Haunted by the memory of the boyfriend she still loves and navigating rocky relationships with her family, former friends and the girl whose life she saved, Val must come to grips with the tragedy that took place and her role in it, in order to make amends and move on with her life

Rating: **** (4 Stars)
Review: I'm not gonna lie, this book made me tear up towards the end. A tear did not actually come out of my eyes but they did well up. It was really touching & I found myself going through an array of emotions for this was a conflicting read. The author expressed the point of view from a teenager so well in a situation like this. This novel is a powerful fictional account of a school shooting and the inner turmoil that witnesses and victims suffer through. The characters are complex; the way their thoughts and feelings are revealed throughout the book is riveting. Hate List not only tackles the issues on bullying and campus killings, but it also tells about what it feels to grow up, battling loneliness and the need to belong, the feeling of envy, and the journey to self-discovery and self-acceptance. The only part of this story I didn't care for was the father, it made me angry at the way he expressed himself. I found myself itching to get through this story & having hopes & wishes for these characters. It makes you wonder how you’d cope under similar circumstances.

Too Much Television Will What?

Ok folks so I'm slightly obsessed with my flat screen... I watch entirely too much television & I know it but I'm always finding some fantastic show to watch & I can't help it! I almost don't even want to list every show I watch because I'm slightly embarrassed and it will prove that I basically have no life what so ever but here it goes: Ok on Mondays my hubbs & I watch Sleepy Hollow. This is one that we aren't super into & frankly don't know why we still continue to watch it. I think because we've invested so much time we might as well see how the first season plays out. Moving on to Tuesdays, this is one of my favorite nights for tv because Pretty Little Liars, Twisted, & The Originals is on. Let me just say that no I haven't read the PLL series yet. I have the first 4 books and every time I go to start it I get distracted and pick up something else instead. It's one of my favs (& hello Mr. Fitz is obviously the best) I normally don't like spin off shows hence Ravenswood but I really like The Originals! Let's talk about Wednesdays, my hubbs & I both watch American Horror Story & Duck Dynasty. But then Chicago PD came along and while I can't DVR it I do catch it on demand. It's only 2 episodes in and I can't tell if I like it or not yet. I pretty much only tuned in because it's based in Chicago. Next up is Thursdays, I look forward to this night often because it's Vampire Diaries night! I have read the first 5 books in that series and fell off when they switched writers - lets face it the books started to go downhill and I'm glad the show is so totally different. On Fridays we watch Grimm, both my husband & step dad love this show & if you're into all the Grimm stories then you'd love this (Monroe is the best!) Saturdays I actually don't have much so I spend it watching the dailies like Ellen & Jimmy Fallon, because who doesn't love those two?! And then on Sundays it's Once Upon A Time & if it's during the summer True Blood. I could also watch marathons of Law & Order SVU (only when Stabler is on - after he leaves who cares right?!) & Big Bang Theory.  What are some of your favorite tv shows?! I'm already thinking of another tv post that is all about vintage tv shows! That could be a long one...!

Wordless Wednesday

Wednesday's are my day off work aka read all day & lounge around in yoga pants day! But today I actually did go out to do a little Valentine's Day shopping for my boys & my husbands birthday is coming up as well. I'm currently reading Hate List by Jennifer Brown - it's really good so far & as soon as I'm done with it I'll review it!
Oh by the way I totally want this sign for my door - it would basically never come off!

Tomorrow...

Ok so I know in my previous blog I said I'd update later & I had good intentions until I went to get on my laptop & our wireless Internet was out! Turns out I had to call our cable company to replace our router.. Something about a bad port, don't ask me I barely understand how to reset the thing! So that was replaced today! But before then we had a play date with my sister & her kids & my friend Scarlett & her little boy Mason at the inflatable fun factory! The kids had a blast for 3 hours! While us girls had some much needed adult interaction! Well I just wanted to post a quick update but I will blog tomorrow about the cupcake experience with my sister from last weekend & also post about the festivities to come this weekend!

P.S. Christmas is in 3 days!!