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Anxiety... It sucks. Let me just say I am in no way a mental health expert, this is just my experience with my issues. Being someone with anxiety I often cancel on everything & everyone, if it involves having to leave my house to do a group activity I generally will find a way to bow out. It's nothing against anyone at all, it's seriously me. Most everyone who asks me to do something whether that be my sisters, friends, coworkers are all great people. I want to be asked to do stuff, sometimes crave it but when it comes right down to it I get extreme social anxiety. Even if it's something as silly as going to the mall or grabbing lunch. I developed this when I was in middle school and it only got worse as I entered high school. Freshman year was hell for me - like it is for anyone I'm sure but not knowing what this feeling was or being able to explain what was happening was torture. I started missing and failing a lot of classes at school & had to see the guidance counselor who would later tell me she thought I suffered from anxiety. Eventually I saw a doctor who put me on medication that helped - I was able to leave the house and go to school or occasionally out. And then like many do we feel better and don't think we need to swallow a pill everyday. So I stopped the medication. I've done this several times over the years - I don't know why I keep thinking maybe this is something I'll outgrow. But I've come to the realization it's not. I will always obsessively and constantly worry about things that aren't even happening. Enter depression here... Again something I've battled and struggled with since I was about 9 & suddenly lost my dad to suicide. I'm sure a lot of my constant worrying comes from losing him so young. I started to stay up extremely late, not being able to sleep because my mind would not shut off. I ended up causing myself a lot of hassle and grief.
A lot of people are surprised to hear I have these issues. I get a ton of "I never would have guessed" or "you don't seem like someone who has anxiety" and that's because for a long time I was ashamed of it, embarrassed even. I don't go around acting like a basket case - Age has helped me to realize that it's ok for people to know. Instead of suffering in silence and getting 20 questions as to what's wrong for those who know they have a bit of insight into why I'm feeling the way I am. Nervous people live in either the past or the future. When we are in lowered tones, we live in the past, rehashing what was, what could have been. When we are in fearful temper, we agonize over the future, over what may transpire.
As cheesy as it is I am a big believer in using positive affirmations to reprogram your negative thoughts. There are different kinds of negative self-talk. The Worrier often promotes "what if..." thoughts and promotes anxiety. My biggest what if thought is always, "What if I get sick and throw up?" or "what if I start to get a migraine?" The other kinds of sub personalities are the Perfectionist ("I should, or I have to" thoughts) which promotes chronic stress and burnout, the victim ("I can't. I'll never be able to) promotes depression, and the Critic ("Can't you ever get it right?") which promotes low self esteem.
I also consider myself an introvert.
An introvert is a person who draws energy from time spent alone. Introverts find social situations draining and need time alone to recharge after being around people. They tend to be introspective and like to explore thoughts and feelings. They may prefer to talk about concepts and ideas rather than making small talk. Introverts usually like to work behind the scenes, prefer written to verbal communication and express themselves only after careful thought. The resulting crowd, which is often loud, noisy and congested, easily overstimulates introverts and drains them of their physical energy. They end up feeling more physically isolated than supported by their surroundings, and would rather be anywhere but that sea of people. Small talk stresses them out, while deeper conversations make them feel alive. A lot of my anxiety stems from me worrying about worrying and how that will effect what others think of me. I have to remind myself that it doesn't matter if people think I am weird because I get panic attacks. It only matters what I think of me and I have to remind myself that I love and respect myself the way I am even with my anxiety no matter what anyone else thinks. So here's to trying to get out there a little more in 2015!
